Our inner demons

Weblog:
I hadn’t noticed that all I’ve been writing recently were a bunch of whiny complaints, and someone wrote a well-thought out and sincere comment asking me to stop being so negative and critical of everything. His comment was supposed to be private, so I took if off the blog, but thanked him by email.

It’s true that we don’t always possess the ability to step back and look at ourselves objectively–if we were capable of such a feat, our thoughts would be–well, not subjective. Of course, some people are better at being objective than others, and although as I get older I try to be more objective and less critical of things around me (including of myself), I’m probably not doing a very good job thus far–as evident from my recent postings. I do protest too much, I admit. I can’t keep my opinions to myself most of the time, and it does appear that most of my opinions are negative–which is odd because I’m by nature a very optimistic person. If you’ve read the bio in the “About Me” section of my site, you’d see that I’m not nearly as negative as I’ve been in the blog. I’m a firm believer in bettering one’s self through constant self-assessment and improvement, and it’s not exactly the easiest thing to do. We all have our own unique inner demons, and we all struggle with the shortcomings and dysfunctions that has built up over our lifetime thus far. Some shortcomings are harder to improve than others as many are from years and years of conditioning, and some are related to the unique set of brain chemistries we each have. For example, someone who’s a reckless gambler is most likely missing the alarm signal that the rest of us have in our brain when pending danger is on the horizon (they did a TV program on this, and people who are reckless gamblers don’t generate those signals at all, or they’re very weak when generated).
Although we might not catch all of our shortcomings, or be able to improve them all, but we have to at least try–that’s what it means to want to be a better person. I have my set of shortcomings just like everyone else, and sometimes it takes an outside observer to point them out because I can’t step outside of myself and see them. When people do point them out, I’m in general grateful–regardless of the attitude that accompanies the criticism. Of course, I far prefer sincere and polite criticisms over offensive and harsh ones (which I can be guilty of myself at times).

So what do I need to work on? Boy, where do I start? 😀

– I’m too critical. What I prefer is my own business, and I shouldn’t have to subject others to my own preferences. Bitching about it is essentially whining, and whining is annoying. Sometimes things are simply as they are, and often it’s nobody’s fault. It’s wrong to feel that my way is the better way, because no one died and made me anything special–I’m just another wandering soul on the planet, trying to live what I consider a fulfilling life for me–not anyone else.

– I need to learn to go with the flow more. Keeping to the beat of your own drummer isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but when your own drummer is loud and unwavering, it can be obnoxious to others–or even unintentionally offend and hurt others without knowing it. I’m in my thirties–not teens or twenties, so I need to be more responsible and mature. I’ve never agreed with the “screw everybody else–I’m the way I am” attitude, so I need to make sure I don’t offend others in the same way.

– I need to be more empathetic to others who are different from me. They have their own set of problems that I’m not aware of, and not having walked in their shoes, I’m probably being unfair with my judgement.

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Now, to offset all the negativity from recent entries, I’m going to list some of the things that’s put a smile on my face recently.

– I’m thankful to be back in the States. I may not be in agreement with a lot of what our government is doing, but I love this country and what it ideally stands for and strives to be on its best days.

– I’m totally blessed to have such a wonderful wife–who is selfless, loving, supportive, and a genuine kindhearted person who’s compassionate and nurturing. She’s absolutely the better half in our union.

– I’m very relieved that Elena hasn’t reacted negatively to her big move to the States so far. She keeps finding delightful surprises here that were out of her expectations, and it makes me smile to see her discovering cool little things in her new adopted country.

– I’m eternally grateful for the joy I derive from the things I’m passionate about. I love music with all of my heart, and it’s always been a sanctuary for me when I’m going through bad times, and it’s always been a natural drug that brings me exciting highs when I’m feeling good. I love the fact that I’m thrilled by all visually interesting things–to the point of having made it a career for the past fifteen years. I love the fact that stories from all walks of life interests and moves me in a profound manner. Human experiences are fleeting yet so potent–absolutely fascinating.

– I’m grateful to be an optimist. I believe that most people will choose to be good when they are given a fair choice, and that faith in the good of men keeps me going. I believe that we all have the potential to be better than we are, and when given the chance, will make an effort to become a better person.

I want to thank the guy who wrote the sincere criticism. Sometimes we all need to have it pointed out that we’re veering off the road. To receive a well-meaning criticism like that reminds me people do care–enough to give you a nudge when you need it.

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I spent a few hours in Guitar Center today, searching for a suitable 88-key master controller. They didn’t have any of the Studiologic models there, except for a used Fatar Studio 900 that’s got cigarrete burns on the keys. The Fatar’s got pretty nice action, but lacked any modern controls like knobs, sliders, and buttons. I really liked the key action on the Casio AP45 Digital Console Piano. Good keys really does inspire you to play better, and it’s so much more enjoyable to just mess around and improvise. Unfortunately the AP45 doesn’t have any MIDI related features, so it’s out of the question. The Yamaha S08 had pretty good key action, but I’m not sure if it’s got aftertouch. The onboard sounds on the S08 were horrible, but I only need a master controller so I won’t touch any of the onboard sounds anyway. I was disappointed that they still don’t have a CME UF8 on display, but I was told if I find the M-Audio Keystation Pro 88/ProKeys 88 not up to par (but already much improved to just a year ago), the UF8 would be even more disappointing. I’ll probably just bite the bullet and get the high end Studiologic model (VMK-188) at this point, as I find playing on a set of mediocre keys very uninspiring. However, since finding out that Novation has released a version of the ReMOTE SL without any keys (just the knobs/sliders/buttons, with automap), I’m very tempted to get that for all non-key controls. The automap would be a real time-saver. If that’s the case, I should pick an 88-key controller without any additional controls. Maybe the Studiologic SL-880 Pro? I’m looking at the Kurzweil PC1X and Yamaha S90 too, but I really don’t need the onboard sounds. I’d probably get a Yamaha BC3 Breath Controller as well for more expressiveness. Maybe even a Kurzweil or Doepfer ribbon controller–but I’m getting ahead of myself here. Since I mentioned Doepfer, I’m sure some of you are thinking “Why not the LMK4+?” Well, AFAIK, it uses a Fatar keybed, so not really worth it to pay more–except maybe for that cool built-in flight case.

I tested some monitors today too, and I have to say, the KRK R8’s sounded better this time around, but still not on my favorites list. The Event SP8’s still sound very silky to me, but the bass still seems a bit lacking (or maybe it’s simply more accurate?). The Alesis M1’s sounded horrible–the bass was way too hyped (maybe someone messed with the settings?). I still love the sound of the Mackie HR824, but it’s a tough call. The Event SP8’s can be tweaked in the back for the bass, so maybe that’ll take care of the weaker bass problem. The JBL’s they had were the most expensive, but they don’t really sound better/more accurate to me. The M-Audio stuff still sound way too harsh, but supposedly ever since Avid bought them, they’ve been updating and improving their entire product line–as Avid doesn’t want crappy products to stain their name. 😀